Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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