haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
