it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
