Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
