my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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