Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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