Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
