Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
accomplished twins. life is a go
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
