I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
