I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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