I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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