I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
