he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
