I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize