worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
