im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
