someone threw a dead crab at me
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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