he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
