don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
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