Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
We're too hungover to prance.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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