Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
