y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
