I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Randomize
