I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
