In the future we'll all be gay
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
we're so committed to being not committed
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize