woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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