His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
