i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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