You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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