He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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