it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
