Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
