Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
It all started with a game of naked twister.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
