How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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