Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
He felt like a one man threesome
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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