after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
