i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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