I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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