she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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