if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
