just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
