Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
