she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
