i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
