I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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