you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
