If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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