On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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