all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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