Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
