Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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