my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
