Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
