So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Why is your signature on my underwear?
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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