Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
