I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
