Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Randomize
